No Goodbyes

I haven't had internet for what... 4 days?

well. first things first. im not dead, the blog is still up. I just got halo 3 over the weekend, that kept me away for two days. should have posted then, didnt know what was to come. My review for halo 3 will be posted not long from now. i think after the cremation tomorrow. check back. i need to upload the photos from my phone anyway.

sigh. I didnt think it'd be that sad, missing the amath dinner after the 'o's. probably mostly because i thought i really could go. oh well. my grandfather moved on to a better place on monday, at 3:30. not long before Long (the person) left my house actually. i was there at the hospital, i was never really too close to him, but when the doctor told us his heart stopped, let me tell you, its nothing like they say in novels or movies. there was no drama here. he just sank a little bit lower into the bed, and then he was gone. i didnt expect i would, but i found myself crying, i wish i could say it was for the loss of my grandfather, but no, my tears were for the losses my mother felt, those that my aunts felt. that that my grandmother felt. i'd never seen them cry so hard before. after some paperwork was done, he was sent to the void deck of his home in serangoon. the wake was already pretty much set up. i was supposedly supposed to stay late, but there was science, lit lit the next day, so we left first.

on the day of the final papers, i'd gotten over most of it already, told most people the news. then it dawned on me that the AMAT dinner was that night. i wanted to go so bad. but i was needed at the wake. i was his grandson after all. i followed us Amath people out the schools gate, but then i had to break off. i remember Huimin shouting: "Hey bezner! why you not going?!" i didnt turn back. i couldnt. i think i would have cried. ots not so much the not-going for the dinner. i think i was just saddened by the fact that the o's were over, and i couldn't go have fun. it was the idea that that could probably have been the happiest day of my life, and i was expected to go to a wake and be sad.

i thought it'd be boring at the wake. turns out it wasn't so bad. it was worse. there was music. the children, spouses, and grandchildren had to asssemble in front of the altar, while the monks made music. about 20 of them stood by the side, chanting and moaning and tok-tokking on their tok-tokkers. then once in awhile they'd start rapping. the tempo would speed up, and one monk would solo for a few pages of the song book, chanting the words faster than i've ever seen a monk rap (never). all this while, we would stand, bow, kneel, stand, sit, kneel, bow stand, sit, kneel, stand, kneel, stand, kneel, stand, kneel, hold the kneel, stand.... etc. the whole thing lasted an hour and a half. i decided. if i had a good life, i'd make sure this never happened at my funeral. if i had a bad life. i'd will that this happened two to five times.. ..a day, depending on how bad my life was.

anyway, the next day i went back there, we had to do it again. except it was a little different this time.i'd go into detail, but pah. i'm tired. its 1:07 am and i woke up at like 5 this morning. so. i apologise for this emo-ish post. but well. i just had to get it out. just to e-mail this to my dad, and i'm off to bed.